Do you ever wonder why you feel guilty for putting yourself first? Why you're always the one who listens? The one who says, "Sure! No worries!" even though you have one brain cell left rallying to find food, invent a cure for traffic, and attend a last-minute TED Talk on how to say no.
If so, you might be dealing with unhealthy boundaries in relationships—a common but often overlooked factor in relationship dissatisfaction and emotional burnout. In this post, we'll dive into 9 warning signs that your boundaries might be taking a toll on your mental health—and how to start reclaiming your sense of self.
Understanding Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships
Healthy boundaries are the invisible lines we draw that define where we end and others begin. They are personal limits we establish to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being while allowing for meaningful connection with others.
Healthy boundaries can be broken down into four categories. Understanding these key boundaries in relation to ourselves helps us better recognize and communicate our needs.
- Preference: Things you enjoy or value, which help define how you wish to be treated
- Desires: Personal wants or things that make you feel fulfilled in a relationship
- Limits: The lines you won't cross, such as emotional, physical, or time boundaries
- Deal Breakers: The things you absolutely cannot tolerate, such as dishonesty, disrespect, or abuse(Carter, Cole. Healthy Versus Unhealthy Boundaries. Apr 23, 2024)
Unhealthy boundaries arise when your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers are ignored or manipulated. These violations can harm your sense of self and emotional well-being. Instead of providing clarity and space for mutual respect, unhealthy boundaries tend to blur the lines between you and others.
Why Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Feels Challenging
Let's take a quick trip back in time. Do you remember being forced to hug extended family members, even when it made you uncomfortable? Or the time you overheard your mom casually telling the neighbors about your first crush, something deeply personal and never meant for broadcast?
As children, many of us were discouraged from setting healthy boundaries. We were taught—whether explicitly or through unspoken expectations—that saying "no" led to punishment, keeping the peace was more important than speaking up, and that physical boundaries or privacy weren't ours to claim.
As a result, some of us prioritize superficial harmony over authentic connection, struggle to recognize our own limits in relationships, and fear that asserting boundaries will damage or end them. Simply put, we never learned how to communicate our boundaries—because we were neither given the language to do so, nor the space to understand our own needs.
9 Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships
Healthy relationships require clear and respectful boundaries, yet many of us struggle to set them. Instead of recognizing boundary issues outright, we often feel overwhelmed, drained, or insecure without fully understanding why. Below are nine common signs of unhealthy boundaries, along with self-reflection questions to help you determine if these patterns are present in your own relationships.
Use these questions as a guide to deepen your awareness and take steps toward creating healthier, more balanced connections.
1. Struggling to Make Independent Decisions
- Do I often delay or avoid making personal decisions out of fear of how others will react?
- Do I prioritize my partner's feelings about my choices over my own?
- Have I ever let an important opportunity pass because I was too afraid to bring it up in my relationship?
2. Persistent People-Pleasing Behaviors
- Do I say "yes" to requests even when I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, or financially strained?
- Do I feel anxious or guilty when I set boundaries or say "no"?
- Do I believe that my value in relationships comes from how much I give?
3. Chronic Exhaustion From Overextending
- Do I take on responsibilities that aren't mine, believing it's my job to "fix" things for others?
- Do I struggle to ask for help, even when I desperately need it?
- Do I feel physically or emotionally drained by my relationships?
4. Relationship-Based Guilt
- Do I feel guilty when I express my needs, even when they are reasonable?
- Do I downplay my struggles to avoid "burdening" my partner?
- Have I ever apologized for setting a boundary, even when it was necessary for my well-being?
5. Loss of Personal Identity in Relationships
- Have I abandoned personal interests, hobbies, or friendships for the sake of my relationship?
- Do I find myself adopting my partner's opinions, preferences, or habits while losing touch with my own?
- If my relationship ended today, would I still feel confident in who I am?
6. Inappropriate Emotional Disclosure
- Do I sometimes overshare deeply personal information with people I barely know?
- Do I use vulnerability as a way to create instant closeness in relationships?
- Have I ever regretted sharing something too soon and felt exposed afterward?
7. Passive-Aggressive Communication Patterns
- Do I avoid direct conversations about my feelings but express my frustration in subtle, indirect ways?
- Have I ever withheld affection, given the silent treatment, or used sarcasm instead of openly addressing issues?
- Do I expect my partner to "just know" why I'm upset instead of clearly communicating my needs?
8. Excessive Approval-Seeking in Relationships
- Do I change my opinions or preferences to match those of my partner or social group?
- Do I feel anxious when someone I care about disagrees with me?
- Have I ever prioritized gaining approval over staying true to my own values or beliefs?
9. Chronically Imbalanced Relationship Dynamics
- Do I often put significantly more effort into the relationship than my partner does?
- Do I find myself making excuses for my partner's lack of effort or emotional investment?
- Do I believe I have to "earn" love by constantly proving my worth through acts of service?
5 Practical Steps to Build Healthier Boundaries in Relationships
According to Dr. Les Carter, bestselling author and therapist specializing in couples therapy, setting boundaries is simply "educating others about who you are." Boundaries help others understand our true selves. Not only do they communicate how we want to be treated in relationships, but they also enable us to live authentically, aligning our inner and outer selves.
Below are 5 practical steps to build healthier boundaries in relationships.
1. Develop Relationship Self-Awareness
Before setting external boundaries, develop internal clarity about your relationship preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers. Write them down.
2. Practice With Low-Risk Relationship Situations
Begin with small boundary assertions with less significant relationships, like sending back an entree if it's not what you ordered.
3. Anticipate Boundary Resistance
When you change longstanding relationship patterns, push back will most likely happen, and that's okay. Remember that people aren't that fragile and neither are you. Setting a boundary does not mean the end of a meaningful relationship. If it does, you've weeded out someone who shouldn't be in your life to begin with.
4. Protect Yourself By Not Revealing Too Much Too Soon
Premature emotional intimacy often indicates boundary issues—it confuses one sided vulnerability with genuine connection and can leave you feeling exposed. While vulnerability is an essential part of meaningful relationships, it should be mutual and intentional. Slow it down. Not everyone is worthy of your inner world.
5. Value Your Internal Experience
Avoiding relationship conflict creates surface peace at the cost of internal distress. Being compliant doesn't mean being compatible. Stay tuned to your needs and communicate them—after all, you deserve to have your needs met.
The Truth About Boundaries in Healthy Relationships
Healthy boundaries in relationships are about honoring yourself and the relationship. Healthy boundaries don't damage genuine connections; they deepen them by allowing partners to know and respect the real you.
You deserve to show up as your true self, even if that version isn't always what others expect. By setting healthy boundaries, you'll feel more authentic and at peace. Honor yourself, and live for you; you deserve it.
Ready to learn more about your own needs? Sign up for our Healthy Boundaries Series today to learn more about your personal boundaries and how to set them!
- This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
References & Further Reading
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Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.
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Pharaon, V. (2020). The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love. Penguin Life.