Picture being in a perfect relationship. You’re comfortable enough to share that time you accidentally let one rip in the movie theater—and got more laughs than The Hangover Part 3. They even go out of their way to show you exciting new spots in your own city. And the sex? That’s good too.
But then, it inexplicably falls apart. Could it be bad luck? Or could it be you? After all, this isn’t the first time you’ve played out this scenario.
Many of us unknowingly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that can unravel even the most promising relationships. If you often find yourself pushing people away, avoiding intimacy, or undermining a good relationship, keep reading. We’ll explore what self-sabotage looks like and how you can overcome it to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What Is Self Sabotage in Relationships?
To better understand how self sabotage shows up in relationships, let’s break it down. Self-sabotage happens when you unknowingly engage in thoughts or behaviors that undermine your emotional connection with others.
Do you find yourself stuck in a cycle of repeated breakups, even when things seem to be going well? Or maybe you create worst-case scenarios in your head even when there’s no real reason to worry?
No matter how it manifests, self-sabotage often stems from deeper fears, unresolved trauma, or negative beliefs about your self-worth. These patterns of behavior can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and—ultimately—the unraveling of relationships.
5 Signs of Self Sabotage in Relationships
Recognizing when you’re self-sabotaging can be tricky because it takes many forms, often without you even realizing it. Here are five signs, along with examples, to watch for.
1. Withdrawing or Avoiding Intimacy
When you fear getting too close, you might find yourself pulling away emotionally or physically. This can show up as backing off when your partner reaches out for a hug or cracking a joke when they try to share something personal. Research shows that the fear of vulnerability and getting hurt often drives this behavior, as noted by Mikulincer & Shaver (2019).
2. Creating Conflict or Drama
Another way self sabotage shows up is by creating conflict when there’s no real issue. You might start arguments over something as trivial as the way your partner folds towels or get upset when they don’t respond to a text right away. This behavior is often driven by anxiety or fear—fear that things are going too well and will inevitably fall apart (Harvard Health Publishing, 2021).
3. Cheating
Cheating is often a form of self sabotage, driven by fear of intimacy or commitment. It can include physical infidelity, such as kissing or sex, and secretive behaviors like hiding your whereabouts or guarding your devices. Emotional infidelity occurs when one partner forms a secretive emotional connection with someone else, sharing intimate thoughts meant for the primary relationship. These actions are often rooted in unresolved issues or a need for external validation (PubMedCentral, 2021).
4. Jealousy and Possessiveness
Jealousy and possessiveness are red flags of self sabotage. These behaviors often stem from low self-esteem and trust issues, leading to controlling actions such as demanding constant contact, going through your partner’s phone, or attempting to manage your partner’s life. Such actions can create a suffocating environment, ultimately resulting in breakups. These behaviors are often a defense mechanism to protect against the fear of rejection or betrayal (Buss, D. M., 2000).
5. Avoiding Long-Term Commitment
People who self sabotage often avoid conversations about the future, such as discussions about commitment and long-term plans. This might look like making jokes about not wanting to get married or dodging discussions about living together or planning a vacation. For many, the fear of commitment stems from a deep-seated belief that they’re not worthy of lasting love or that something bad will eventually happen (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019).
How to Stop Self Sabotage in Relationships
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for breaking free from self sabotage in relationships. However, bringing awareness to patterns you didn’t even know existed is a great place to start.
At Totem, we believe that answering thought-provoking prompts is a helpful way to deepen self-awareness. Recognizing self-sabotaging patterns is an important first step in improving your relationships. To bring attention to these behaviors, consider meditating on the questions below. Remember, there’s no pressure to have “right” answers—just try to be as honest with yourself as possible.
Self-Sabotage Prompts
- Do you find it hard to express your true feelings in a relationship? Why?
- When was the last time you found yourself worrying about a hypothetical situation involving your partner?
- Have you ever started an argument over something small? What feelings were you hiding in those moments?
- Is there a part of yourself you’re afraid to show your partner?
- Do you often avoid conflict by staying silent? What are you afraid will happen if you speak up?
Final Thoughts on Stopping Self Sabotage in Relationships
Self sabotage in relationships can feel like an endless cycle, but it’s entirely possible to break free. By understanding the root causes of your behaviors and taking action to address them, you can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Be patient with yourself, and remember that personal growth is a journey—not a destination.
If you’re ready to explore your self-sabotaging patterns and find support, click here to check out Totem’s Spaces on Self-Sabotage. Talk through your experiences with people who get it.